'Waitress' emphasizes importance of addressing domestic abuse

Three women sit on a bench outside of a the small-town diner where they work as waitresses. They start up what appears to be a conversation familiar to them. Dawn: "But now here you are [Jenna], married to this handsome guy … who's got very good hair, and pregnant with a little girl. But neither of us would trade places with you for one second, now would we Becky?"

Becky: "No we wouldn't, Dawn, No we wouldn't."

As the offending, attractive-haired husband in question, Earl, tears into the parking lot to pick up Jenna, the nature of the waitresses' conversation becomes clear: Earl is a controlling jerk.

Earl speaks in a threatening tone and reacts with satisfaction when Jenna gives in to his every command. As he proceeds to collect all of Jenna's tips from the day and threatens to make her leave her job, the viewer gets the uncomfortable feeling that Jenna is walking on egg shells with her every move around Earl.

The film, "Waitress," depicts between 600,000 and 6 million women's realities in the United States per year. This number doesn't take into the account the number of men who experience the same violence and control. While women do make up the majority of domestic violence victim, 15 percent of those affected are male.

The myth that only physical abuse can be considered domestic violence saturates the media. Films and television shows typically show cases of murders or extreme physical attacks. This is an important and very real occurrence in the world. The Domestic Violence Resource Center states, "On average, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners in this country every day." However, a typical case can be much more subtle and complex.

As demonstrated in "Waitress," domestic abuse includes much more than physical abuse; intimidation, isolation, emotional and financial abuse are all common weapons perpetrators use to control their victim. Perpetrators can lower the victim's self-esteem, restrict the victim from seeing or speaking with friends and family, and control their access to finances.

These all serve to keep the victim under their control and create major barriers that keep them from leaving. It is important to recognize that these behaviors are just as serious and abusive as physical attacks and are often more difficult to detect.
With young people comprising almost half of domestic violence cases, it's important to remember these myths when observing relationships in our daily lives. Whether for our personal relationships or those of our friends and family, it is necessary to keep an eye out for these traits. They are neither excusable nor normal; they are indicative of a violent relationship and must be taken seriously.

Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment (PAVE) is a student organization dedicated to ending sexual assault, dating/domestic violence and stalking on the UW-Madison campus through education and activism. In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, PAVE will be screening "Waitress" on Tuesday, October 25 at 7 p.m. in Ogg Hall.

-Olivia Jonynas

**As published in The Daily Cardinal

Help exists for domestic abuse victims

When most people think of October, they picture falling leaves, football games and wrapping themselves up in layers before heading to class. However, October has a significant meaning for Promoting Awareness, Victim Empowerment (PAVE), a student organization on campus.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), a nationally recognized time of observance and action. This year, PAVE is taking a stand for the UW-Madison, creating awareness about domestic violence's existence on campus.

Domestic violence is an ongoing pattern of behavior in a relationship where one person exerts power and control over another. This includes physical, emotional, verbal or sexual abuse. As such, no one, regardless of sex, gender, race or sexual orientation is immune to the realities of domestic violence.

Some people may think, "Really, it exists on campus? Doesn't it take place in the movies with someone who everyone knows is bad? Surely it can't happen to me. I'm too smart to put myself in that situation, right?"

Unfortunately, domestic violence exists in Wisconsin; it even exists here on campus. From national statistics published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, and females ages 20-24 are at the highest risk of non-fatal domestic violence.

That means our fellow Badgers, the people we attend class with, "Jump Around" with and party with on the weekends, are often survivors of domestic violence or currently in an abusive relationship.

When it comes to domestic violence, there is often no physical evidence of wrongdoing. It is easy to cover up bruises with long sleeves, and emotional abuse doesn't leave any plainly visible scars. But it is impossible for victims to erase the memories and effects of domestic violence.

According to research conducted by the Domestic Violence and Mental Health Policy Initiative, victims of domestic violence are more likely to have sexual difficulties and eating disorders. Victims are also more likely to develop post-traumatic stress disorder and are at a significant risk of suicide.

These are the issues plaguing student victims on campus, day in and day out. Try adding the challenges of PTSD on top of worrying about financial aid, getting good grades and the rest of college-imposed stresses.

Conversely, think about how difficult it can seem to rid yourself of your largest support system. It may not make sense to you, but that's what it feels like to victims when they break it off with an abusive partner. It's a situation of constant worry, and it is something that people all over campus experience.

Domestic violence knows no bounds. It is not limited to a specific gender, sexual orientation, race, religion, mental capacity, physical capabilities, etc. It could happen to someone with a 4.0 GPA or someone on academic probation. Unfortunately, it could happen to anyone.

Some of the signs of an abusive partner may be: controlling behaviors, not allowing you to see friends, threatening to harm you or themselves based on your actions, telling you things to put you down or treating you as a sexual object. This list is not at all exhaustive, but demonstrates the different facets of domestic violence.

Because any one of us could be at risk of being in an abusive relationship, it is important to know that there is help. You can get out of it, even though it may seem impossible. The Madison community and our university offer plenty of outlets for assistance. It is OK to ask for help. You are not weak for reaching out. In fact, it is one of the strongest things you can do.

Yesterday marks the 30th anniversary of the National Day of Unity, a day started by the NCADV to bring advocates against domestic violence together. The day of awareness was turned into an entire month, and that is why DVAM is now observed throughout October.

PAVE is observing DVAM in East Campus Mall from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. today to encourage students to sign pledges in support of healthy relationships and the victims of domestic violence. Please come out and show your support for your fellow students, community members and friends.

If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-723 for assistance. Locally, you can call the Dane County Rape Crisis Center's rape hotline at 608-251-7273 or Madison's Domestic Abuse Intervention Service's hotline at 608-251-4445.

Tomissa Porath wrote this article and is a PAVE media volunteer.

PAVE is a student organization dedicated to ending sexual assault, dating/domestic violence and stalking on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus through education and activism. PAVE's general member meeting will be held at 7 p.m. on Oct. 6 in the PAVE office, suite #3147 of the Student Activity Center. For more information or to find out how to get involved, e-mail uwpavemedia@gmail.com.

**As published in The Daily Cardinal

POWA creates moving ad that challenges community

People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA) recently brought recognition to the astonishing amount of domestic violence that occurs in South Africa. One in three South African men reported having committed rape, moving POWA to create an advertisement that sheds light on the high number of incidences in this area. The ad features an experiment in which a man plays his drums and in turn receives numerous noise complaints. In this same neighborhood a few days later, POWA made noise reminiscent of a couple arguing and engaging in violence. Astonishingly, unlike the drumming incident, no one reported any kind of noise disturbances or recognized the noise as an indicator of issues at hand. It is shocking to learn that community members did nothing to help the woman in jeopardy, but were quick to complain about something that posed no physical treats to themselves or other community members. Having learned this, it’s necessary we realize what we would do to help this situation. Would we help, though? Would we report the noise? Or would we stay silent, letting this happen, and reassuring ourselves that it’s not our business? It’s time to reconsider our roles as community members, actively supporting the idea that we can, and will, stop domestic violence here and around the world.

—PAVE Volunteer Kalina Seavecki

"Rape": a word not to be used casually

I recently read a story in the LaCrosse Tribune about the use of the word “rape” to describe situations that have nothing to do with sexual assault. The article itself was very even-handed and made no accusations against people who use the word “rape” inappropriately. It didn’t claim that people who use this word casually are intentionally trying to belittle victims of sexual assault or are otherwise sexist. It certainly didn’t call for fining or imprisoning people who use the word to refer to situations other than an actual rape.

Yet, that is the reaction some people had to this article. The article was an effort to convince people to make a free choice to use more accurate and polite language in their conversations. It was very similar to recent efforts to encourage people not to use the word “retarded.” However, many commenters saw it differently. One cried, “More censorship from the oversensitive liberal masses.” Another even claimed to sympathize with victims of rape or other sex crimes, saying, “There are too many people I know who've been victims of sexual crimes for me to make light of what's a very serious issue. That being said, we as a society cannot allow this type of politically correct censorship.”

If the article had argued that people who use the word “rape” inappropriately should be subject to criminal penalties, I would wholeheartedly agree with the above commenters. But the article didn’t say that. It was merely a reasoned argument about why people shouldn’t use the word to describe things that don’t have anything to do with sexual assault. In fact, by the (incorrect) logic of these commenters, they are themselves “censoring” the writer of the article.

In this country we are fortunate enough to have the right to say just about anything we want. But we don’t have the right to speak without being criticized. You can say anything you want, no matter how offensive it is. But other people have the right to criticize you for saying it. You can respond by changing your language. You can respond by making a logical argument about why what you said actually isn’t as bad as the other person thinks it is. Or you can just ignore the people who think you are offensive, and continue doing whatever you want. What you can’t do is accuse people who criticize you of censorship. Well, you can—but you are being factually inaccurate.

Link to original article: http://lacrossetribune.com/news/opinion/article_0ae7bee4-f449-11df-b3a5-001cc4c002e0.html
—Alex Wagner

Abusive relationships not a simple issue for victims

As his fingers closed around my throat, my brain flipped a switch that went primal. My only instincts were to keep breathing and to kick. Turns out, heels come in handy.
Four years ago, I experienced an all too familiar scenario in an intimate relationship. My partner exerted his physical strength in an altercation witnessed by five of our friends. A gaping hole was left in my apartment wall and barely-visible bruises remained on my neck. The sharpest memories I have of that night were of unadulterated heartbreak, confusion and fear.
Scenes like the one I lived through play out all too frequently for women everywhere, including this campus. While dating violence, sexual assault and rape are severely underreported crimes, at least 32 percent of college women have experienced dating violence at the hands of a former boyfriend. Violence against women is often socially sanctioned behavior reinforced by a "rape culture"-a term that refers to social norms that encourage rape behavior. But this rape culture is not limited to rape. Rather, it is part of a larger cultural discourse that envelops many other forms of violence against women, including dating violence.

There were five other people in my apartment that night. Only one of them actively intervened on my behalf. I am forever grateful and indebted to her for the choice she made.
Bystander intervention, which is what my friend engaged in when she inserted herself in the drama unfolding before her, does not occur often enough. In taking action, she contradicted what usually happens in situations like these, labeled the "bystander effect." The bystander effect was in full force in 1964, when Kitty Genovese was publicly assaulted within earshot and view of allegedly 38 people. While each of those 38 bystanders assumed that someone was calling the police, her attacker had time to flee the scene, returning later to rape and murder her. This is the downfall of collective behavior. People are significantly more hesitant to act during a nearby assault when the former are not alone, while a lone bystander is more likely to come to a victim's aid.

Many of us have misconceptions about what it means to successfully intervene in a dangerous situation. Contrary to popular belief, which assumes that intervention guarantees danger to the good samaritan, there are other means by which we can combat rape culture. These include giving a silent stare when someone voices sexist or violent rhetoric, using an appropriate amount of humor to lighten tension and distracting a perpetrator by asking a mundane question like "Do you know what time it is?" to divert attention. By adding these methods to our arsenal, each of us can be prepared to actively intervene in a moment of gross injustice.

"How could you ever stay with him?" "When will you stand up for yourself and stop letting him run the show?" "How could you let him do that to you?"
I can't count how many times my family and friends asked these questions. The relationship that I had with my ex-boyfriend lasted nearly six years. Four years after the brief but remarkable display of physical abuse occurred, our involvement finally came to a dramatic yet violence-free ending. Nearly a full year later, I am still amazed not only at how long our attachment lagged on, but also at how slowly I came to realize the pattern of power so outwardly apparent to others observing our relationship. Ultimately, power and control are the necessary components to violence. There is little room for respect and trust; traits that characterize healthy relationships. Although my boyfriend never violated my body again and apologized deeply for his actions, there was little respect and virtually no trust left between us.

It can be easier to pass judgment by grandly proclaiming that you would never allow someone to get away with treating you "like that" than it is to patiently listen, sans judgment, to a survivor's story. Relationships are always complicated, but the key to most abusive relationships is that these bonds begin much the same as non-violent ones.

There is love and potent physical chemistry first, but then the ingredients for a darker, violent dynamic slowly come together. This often emerges as a subtle pattern of behaviors that may or may not crescendo to violent outbursts. This contradicts a popular myth that women enter into relationships that are immediately dangerous, or that a woman knew he was a "bad" guy before she committed to him. This misconception leads many to a victim blaming mentality, wherein responsibility is shifted from the abuser to his victim. There is never an excuse for abuse. One never "loses control", rather an individual chooses to assert power over another human being.

-Kristina Nailen